Cashier Confessions 5 [Flash Fiction]

HEB CHECKOUT 02

“Hello, sir! How are you today?”
“Fuck you, that’s my fucking morning! How can you fucking say that to me??”
“Are you being serious?”
“Yeah, I am!”
“It’s like 6:30 in the morning, there’s no way your morning can be this bad.”
“I don’t fucking care.”
“Oh, really do you have to work today?”
“No.”
“How about yesterday?”
“No.”
“…You have a good day, sir.”
“There you fucking go again!”
“I hope you have a great day today!”
“I wanna speak to your manager!”
“In fact, I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT WEEK!”
“I’m gonna get your ass fired you little shit!”

(spoiler alert: I did not get fired).

Cashier Confessions 4 [Hard Drive Archive]

HEB CHECKOUT 02

Me: “So, that’s going to be $120.38.”
Customer: “Woooooow, really?”
Me: “Yep.”
Customer: “Well, here’s $50.”
Me: “Cool, well that just leaves 70, then.”
Customer: “Well, that’s all I have.”
Me: “Do you have credit or debit?”
Customer: “I don’t believe in plastic.”
Me: “Like…cards?”
Customer: “The whole concept really.”
Me: “Uh-huh, well, I would…you know…like some…real money, then.”
Customer: “Yeah, that would be nice.”
Me: “Yeah…”
Customer: “Can I just pay you some other way?”
Me: “Not really. I can suspend the order if you want.”
Customer: “Like…in space?”
Me: “……………………………..Yeeees.”
Customer: “Okay, thank you. Shopping on acid is a lot more difficult than I thought.”
Me: “Um…it’s cool?”
Customer: “Have you ever tried it?”
Me: “……….”
Customer: “I’m leaving now.”
Me: “Yes, thank you.”

Cashier Confessions 3 [Hard Drive Archive]

HEB CHECKOUT 02

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”
Customer: “Are you guys seriously closing at 8p.m today?”
Me: “Yep.”
Customer: “ppffftt…That’s fucking bullshit, what are the rest of the people that need food going to do?”
Me: “Go to Randells…?”
Customer: “You’re going to lose customers tomorrow.”
Me: “Yes, that’s true. Did you bring a bag today.”
Customer: “No, why would I need a bag?”
Me: “Because of that bag ban that we have. We have $0.27 bags if you’re interested.”
Customer: “No, that’s stupid. Wal-Mart doesn’t make me buy bags.”
(Actually they do. At least in Austin)
Me: “Alright, that’ll be 67.83.”
Customer: “pffffttt….” *swipes his card*
Me: “Sir, how old are you?”
Customer: “I’m 41. What kind of question is that?”
Me: “Juuuust askin’…..”

*The customer then took one more look at his bill and “pppfffftttt’ed” so hard that he flew into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.*